Mating In Captivity

By: Ester Parel

Finished: 4/4/24

What’s it about:  How eroticism and sexual desire can (and do) wane over time in committed relationships.

Main takeaway:  I am not married, but this seems like a book that every married couple should read. She has a lot of insights that seem completely contrary to the way we currently think about love and committed relationships. One simple one for instance, she details how we believe that person we love creates a deep bond which will intern create sexual chemistry. But in fact, what we have done is just connect with someone so much, that we lose the intensity. We experience in new relationships when a person is foreign and new. Essentially, you need distance to create intensity.

She also makes a variety of important points that are contrarian:

The threat of your partner cheating is a good thing (and needed).

Becoming a parent might skew the way we look at our partner as a sexual being.

Sex can’t be “spontaneous” because after some time it becomes non-existent.  

Cheating may display closeness; we can no longer have intensity with the person we love because we are so close.

All of these and more reveal that being in a committed relationship is difficult.  This books serves as a guide for those who are.